Trains, trains, da trains man! (Read this in Jamaican accent)
I’m not here to write about the typical Japanese train ettiequte that you already know by now! Something like, don’t eat, don’t talk, don’t use your phone while in the train..etc.
This goes beyond, way beyond!
Let’s start from the beginning.
1- Purchasing a ticket.
Please buy a train card instead! Put it in your wallet or inside of your phone’s cover, and swim through the crowed like you are Pocahontas dashing through the leaves!
It makes life easier for you and everyone else!
On that note, make sure that there is always money in it! When you are dashing through the leaves, there are 10,000 other ballerinas trying to dash behind you. If that awful, awful sound of the card machine rejecting you goes off, we are all automatically mad at you. You know it, we know, but no body will show it (It-a-rhymes)! (because it’s Japan 🙂 )
2- Walk as if yo mama called you with your full name!
Congrats, you bought your subway card and you are gliding! Now, walk.. fast!
People here are trying to get somewhere, and they want to get there fast; yesterday if possible! If you are a slowpoke, people
will basically run you over. Just walk as fast as possible and get out of people’s way!
3- Royal guards, anyone?
You are now at the platform waiting for the train. Stand where indicated by the lines on the floor. Please contribute to making a proper queue, don just stand like an outlier! Do you know what researchers do to outliers? THEY REMOVE THEM! MUAHAHAHAH! (I make bad jokes all the time!)
Once the train arrives, ‘royal welcoming’ begins!
You move your body and stand sideways as if you are welcoming someone to your house, “please come in, we have been expecting you” to make room for them to get out, so that you can go in.
If you think there is no space on that train, think again! People tend to stand by the door, while the middle part where people are sitting is typically not as full. Push your way through!
4- In da train! (You read that in Jamaican accent didn’t you?)
Now that you are in the train, you want to find seats. This is how you do it.
You actually have to start looking while you are outside the train, and if that cart you were waiting for is packed, just go to the next one!
What if the next one was also packed?
a- Your legs are screwed! (s-zone; s for standing)
b- You hunt for a seat like you are on an expensive safari and haven’t seen a single wild animal yet, and can’t Facebook/Instagram your money’s worth!
c- All of them are full? You wait until someone leaves and attack that empty seat.
Attack it i say!!!
If you had to be in the ‘s’ zone throughout the trip, then there is no helping it, sorry… (しょうがない）。
S-zone. Just stand near the door if you are getting off at the next station, if you are going for a long ride, stand facing someone that you will likely inherit soon. Someone who looks like he/she is ready to go, like your grandparents for example! haha (sorry, that was an inappropriate joke). Standing can sometimes get tricky, just so you know, it’s bad ettiequte to sit on your luggage, to sit on someone else’s lap, etc..
5- The holy seat!
You found that empty seat, shining like the imperial japanese flag! You actually sat down. Oh, your tushy is now warm and everything is nice and cosy! You look up and there is someone looking at you and you are looking at them too. It’s awkward, what should you do? You look to the left/right but it’s weird, also there might be someone looking at you from that side too. Darn it.. You look up, but you realise that you switched to prayer mode, all you need is to put your hands together and AAA~men!. Ok, next best option is to play with your phone. Argh, i don’t have anything to do on my phone now. I guess i’ll just text mom. >_>
Worst is when your battery is low or you need it later, what do you do then? sleep ma man, just sleeping beauty all the way, waiting for the kiss of that speaker to wake you up at your next destination.
Seating unwritten rules. Let’s say you are seated in the middle of a 7-person train seat, and there are 2 people sitting at the corners, when one of them leaves, you get up and fill that empty corner! You dig?
Even though you can’t hear it, but that corner is screaming load, it’s annoying and won’t shut up until it is occupied! Please occupy it if you are closest to it. It’s your duty! Also, there might be a prize awaiting you there! The corner handle makes a great umbrella holder! You deserve that! Don’t be like the girl in the picture below! 😡
Other things when sitting down include, falling in love. Yes, when she looks at you and you catch that, you look back, she keeps looking, you look again, you smile, she smiles, fireworks, tsunami, blood off noses “Shiodome, Shiodome desu” the speaker utters..
It’s her stop
She leaves as if she was standing on a hoverboard, waving goodbye like Miss USA. Tears in your eyes while you wave back to your only chance of dating (Japan’s work load #what’sup?)
If you are sick, wear a freaking mask! wear it, wear it, wear it! No body cares how good looking you are at that point really! If you are a great looking girl who can woo any guy on earth, once you have those coughs, people are seeing you a virus, a green slimy round organism (not an accurate description of a virus, i know). So wrap those cheeks, cover that mouth and nose, and let’s be friends for now
6- Getting off the train
Just stand up (If you were lucky to sit down) and leave gracefully. nothing to see here!